03/04/2015

My mother.

It’s difficult to say anything beyond these two words. It feels wrong to say anything bad about her, because she is my mother and I am supposed to love her unconditionally. But this is equally difficult.

I thought things would change after my sister’s death. 

I used to talk to my sister a lot. We would Skype at least once every week, and at least for three hours. We had a lot to say to each other and we both listened. 

I miss her. I miss her every day every hour every minute and every second.

Now I feel like I don’t have anyone whom I can talk to honestly and who would listen to me. Anyone I would listen to and even ask for advice. Anyone whose criticism of me I would accept and try to change for it.

I was trying to do the same with my mum.

Impossible. She would not listen. She would not let me talk. 

I was just desperately trying to cling onto the illusion that I hadn’t lost my sister. The person I loved most in the world.

I know I have to let her go.

But first I have to accept that she is gone.

Feels impossible. I know this is so selfish…

The world has just become worse without her. Her kindness. Her wiseness. 

Her presence…