I was already feeling lonely and sad last night. Nothing changed when I got up this morning. I had a weird and complicated dream about running up and down stairs, but I can’t remember if that was last night or the night before. I looked up ‘stairs’ on a dream analysis website, apparently it is a manifesto of my unstatisfied sexual needs and my distorted self-image.
It was difficult to get up. I was tired last night and went to bed rather early. I didn’t feel rested. Just sad. I texted my other half and had a bit of chat. He suggested I should go somewhere to distract myself. It did seem to be a good idea. I decided to go to e cinema and watch kids movies back to back. I really liked Home it was very sweet and cheered me up a little. I had just enough time to run across to the nearest fast food restaurant and got some food, then watched the newest SpongeBob movie. There was something wrong with the food since I felt nauseous, in pain and sleepy. In fact, I missed about a third of the movie because I fell asleep. Woke up with a slight migraine and tummy pain. I came home and by the time I got home I was feeling better. Later the migraine returned and I had to have a nap. I felt better afterwards, but I can feel the migraine creeping back again.
It is difficult to live alone, but I have never felt as lonely as today. I am not sure what was wrong. I’ve recently found a job advertisement, which was very promising, but I noticed it late, so I didn’t have enough time to submit an application. I didn’t mind as it seemed like a regular post, so I had my hopes up that I can apply for it next year. And then I read the advertisement again and I realised that I had completely misunderstood it, and that even if it was advertised next year I would not be eligible for it. It seems to be such a stupid thing. I mean to be upset about something like this. But I just felt so stupid. And if there is anything I hate then it is feeling stupid. Or when people think I’m stupid.
This is probably due to the fact that I’m a middle child. Well I was. My older sister died in October. She is my best friend, losing her feels like having a part of my soul, a part of my heart, a part of myself ripped out of my chest. I’m grieving. I’m thinking about past, present and future all the time. I worry. I worry and stress constantly and it feels like it is killing me from the inside.
So I was a middle child. I have a constant urge to prove my skills, my intelligence, my worth to the world. To impress my inner parent.
I don’t know who I am or what I want.
I feel like I’m being torn between different aspects of life. I don’t fit anywhere.
I play the violin and sing, but I’m not an artist.
I am a researcher, I am clever, I am ambitious, but I’m not an academic.
I go to the gym, I run, I lift, but I am not a fit junkie.
I found the love of my life, but I am not a family planning person.
Who am I?
My stress diary 