My mother.
It’s difficult to say anything beyond these two words. It feels wrong to say anything bad about her, because she is my mother and I am supposed to love her unconditionally. But this is equally difficult.
I thought things would change after my sister’s death.
I used to talk to my sister a lot. We would Skype at least once every week, and at least for three hours. We had a lot to say to each other and we both listened.
I miss her. I miss her every day every hour every minute and every second.
Now I feel like I don’t have anyone whom I can talk to honestly and who would listen to me. Anyone I would listen to and even ask for advice. Anyone whose criticism of me I would accept and try to change for it.
I was trying to do the same with my mum.
Impossible. She would not listen. She would not let me talk.
I was just desperately trying to cling onto the illusion that I hadn’t lost my sister. The person I loved most in the world.
I know I have to let her go.
But first I have to accept that she is gone.
Feels impossible. I know this is so selfish…
The world has just become worse without her. Her kindness. Her wiseness.
Her presence…