Tag Archives: grief

11/04/2015

Mood swings.

They hit you unexpectedly. No signs, no warnings. Sometimes they are like a roller-coaster – up and down, but sometimes they are just a drop. A leap into the unknown depth, and there is no rope to climb back.

And this happened to me today.

I was perfectly fine this or morning. Oh well, I was almost happy! Very pleased with myself as I had done my first 5k run the night before. I started tidying up and cleaning, even one of my best friends rang me and we had a really good chat. And then I rang my younger sister and I rang my other half and we booked our holiday.

And then was when it hit me. And I have no idea why. 

I can’t tell you what went wrong.

And I’ve been really low since.

Not in the mood for anything, just wanted to eat continuously. 

I’ve reached the depression stage of grief.

I’m back to the swamp.

03/04/2015

My mother.

It’s difficult to say anything beyond these two words. It feels wrong to say anything bad about her, because she is my mother and I am supposed to love her unconditionally. But this is equally difficult.

I thought things would change after my sister’s death. 

I used to talk to my sister a lot. We would Skype at least once every week, and at least for three hours. We had a lot to say to each other and we both listened. 

I miss her. I miss her every day every hour every minute and every second.

Now I feel like I don’t have anyone whom I can talk to honestly and who would listen to me. Anyone I would listen to and even ask for advice. Anyone whose criticism of me I would accept and try to change for it.

I was trying to do the same with my mum.

Impossible. She would not listen. She would not let me talk. 

I was just desperately trying to cling onto the illusion that I hadn’t lost my sister. The person I loved most in the world.

I know I have to let her go.

But first I have to accept that she is gone.

Feels impossible. I know this is so selfish…

The world has just become worse without her. Her kindness. Her wiseness. 

Her presence…

25/03/2015

Counting the days until the weekend. Not because I don’t like my job, just because I want to have a rest. I am tired.

Main stress-source this week was money.

We went out for lunch on Tuesday with my colleagues. I really could not have afforded it, and I was really hoping that we would go to a cheap place. Of course not… And since then I just had this ‘sod it’ mentality. I of course had to add a smoothie to my lunch. I of course had to go to the corner shop and buy sweets in the evening and I of course had to buy dinner tonight although I had some stuff in the fridge. Shameful.

I constantly worry about money, mainly because I am an emotional shopper. I buy things to cheer me up and I buy things to reward myself. I guess I am trying to fill the gaps in my soul. My loneliness. My low self-esteem. My hunger for success and recognition. Curing my grief.

It just feels like such a lousy excuse. ‘I overspend because that’s the only joy in my life.’ Sounds so ridiculous. But I keep saying this. And the more I say it, the more real it becomes.